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My first long distance drive in Australia today, coming back from Nelson Bay ready for the Harley Tour tomorrow.

In general the roads seem quieter over here, even in the cities (so long as you avoid the rush hour gridlock) But it’s when the roads get busy that it becomes hectic.

To start with, there is no lane discipline over here because if the car is in the middle lane you can use either of the other lanes to pass, add that to the fact that an Aussie will swerve a truck into a gap that I’d be dubious about putting my Matiz into and you end up with the sort of drive that you only thought possible in video games.

There are no standard speed limits over here, so you have to constantly check the repeater signs (where they exist), urban driving varies from 50-60 km/h, other roads vary from 60-110 km/h, the only set speed is at beginning or end of the school day when every road within a certain circumference drops to 40km/h.

There are motorways, freeways and highways over here, I’m not sure what the difference is, but you seem to be able to find bus stops on any of them and even more bizarrely the hard shoulder doubles up as a cycle lane for anyone crazy enough to brave them. Considering the size of the trucks thundering past and the amount of debris that accumulates (shredded tyres, broken glass etc.) it can’t be a pleasant experience.

Suprisingly in a colony of  lager drinkers, the Malt Shovel Brewery have come up with a range of decent ales under the James Squire brand.

The first I tried, the Golden Ale, immediately reminded me of Wychwood’s Circle Master (although obviously it’s hard to make a direct comparison not having the English ales here with me). The Amber Ale comes in somewhere between Goliath and Fiddler’s Elbow and the Porter can see Hobgoblin somewhere in the distance.

Convicted of Highway Robbery and sentenced to transportation in 1785, James Squire was later caught stealing ingredients for brewing beer, the brew was that good that he was given a lenient sentence of a five pound fine and three hundred lashes.

By 1806, having completed his sentence and settled in Australia, he had established an estate of 1000 acres, and succesfully farmed the first Australia hops (and was given a cow by way of reward).

It was at this time that he built the Maltings Shovel Tavern half-way between Sydney Town and Paramatta serving the busy trading route along the Paramatta River.

Historian, Philip Greaves, wrote at the time: “Sailors of many nations who were vague about the locations of Nineveh or Babylon could find their way to Squire’s in a thick fog.”

From his criminal beginnings James Squire ended his life as a District Constable, banker and philanthropist.

After two days of 40 degree heat, and warnings about local bush-fires, we had a downpour last night, and the rain has carried on into today.

It was still warm however, so since the rain couldn’t make us any wetter it was out into the pool to cool off.

Several people have told me that it’s snowing back home, but can’t say I’m missing it 😀

Once you get your bearings, it’s easy to navigate Melbourne using the extensive tram sevice. A direct tram into the city ran just behind our hotel, and then a free service runs round the Central Business District (the heart of Melbourne)

Having ridden round most of the circuit we stopped off at Russell Street to visit the Old Melbourne Gaol, the final stop for 135 criminals.

Thanks to the Victorian art of phrenology, the museum is brought to life by the actual faces of those hanged within the walls of this prison, preserved when casts were taken of their heads for further study after death.

The prison was modelled on Pentonville Prison and the view down the remaining cell block will look familiar to anyone who has seen Porridge or any other traditional British prison in a drama.

Many of the cells contain the death mask and information about a particular prisoner. Among these is Frederick Bailey Deeming, when the body of his second wife was found under the hearthstone of his Melbourne residence further investigation in England unearthed the remains of his first wife and four children in a previous dwelling in Liverpool. The crimes were considered so evil at the time that he became suspected of being Jack the Ripper.

“From the outset a suspicion of insanity is almost suggested and a tinge of the Whitechapel murders is hinted. The body hacked and mangled, the cool manner in which the cementing was carried out, the taking a house etc, the laborious obliteration of all traces of the crime – all these things suggest the malevolence and craft which can scarcely accompany the sane murderer, no matter how callous and brutal.”

Most notorious of course is Ned Kelly, outlaw and Australian folk-hero. Famous for his armoured shootout at the Glenrowan Inn, Kelly was arrested after suffering injuries to his unarmoured legs and reunited with his mother (already an inmate at the Melbourne Gaol).

Ned was declared outlaw after the shooting of three policemen who were searching for him after a dubious report of the wounding of another officer, he followed this up with two bank robberies which probably boosted his folk-hero status as along with the money taken he also burned all the mortgage deeds.

Edward Kelly was hanged on 11th November 1880 for the murder of Constable Lonagan (one of the three policemen), his final words were reported to be “Such is life”

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Arrived in Melbourne after a short flight from Sydney, managed to find our way out of the airport and for convenience got a taxi to the Bayview on the Park hotel.

When we booked, it had said twin/double room, which I had taken to mean one or the other. The reality was that it meant our room had twin double beds, possibly the most comfortable bed Ive ever slept in with the thickest pillows I’ve ever used!! (I was tempted to buy a suitcase to smuggle a couple of them out.)

The view out over Albert Park and the Melbourne Grand Prix circuit would have been great was it not obscured by trees, so we decided to perambulate along St Kilda beach and back along the “famous” Fitzroy Street (Judging by the number of bars and nghtclubs along here I’d guess infamous is more likely)

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If you like to sleep in late, then Australia probably isn’t for you, dawn chorus kicks off at around 4am and comparing it to the early morning twitterings back home is like comparing a string quartet with a Kiss concert (albeit without the fireworks)

Foremost amongst the cacophony is the Kookaburra, sitting in the old gum tree, noisiest bastard of the bush is he. His raucous laugh shattering the silence. There’s another bird out here that seems to have learned the first couple of bars of the Arrival of the Queen of Sheeba, but tails off when it realises that it can’t remember what the next bit is.

Small red and green parakeets jockey for position in the sky like a Battle of Britain dogfight, arguing amongst themselves and the harsh call of the Sulphur Cockatoo as it drifts across the sky like a Lancaster Bomber.

We’ve got one bird calling out like a rusty gate, one that sounds like a chicken on helium and another that seems to run out of willpower before it gets too far into it’s call “Wah Wah, Wah, wuh, w…” then occasionally, you have the sci-fi call of the lyre bird adding a surreal note to the proceedings.

Finally landed in Sydney a little later than expected after the plane ran out of electricity at Singapore airport. Had to get someone with a Nissan and some jump leads to get the engines going.

The journey didn’t seem as long this time, I suppose that’s the advantage of a seat that will recline fully allowing some proper sleep.

Top tip for travelling, get a wheelchair (Barbara’s back started playing up), that way the airport staff fall over themselves to get you from one place to another in plenty of time, and then take you past all the queues (even the short ones you get as a priority customer)

Flying business class this time is definately the way to go, as with all international flights, check-in is 3 hours before departure, usually a miserable time sat in the departure lounge on plastic seats that make broken glass seem comfortable.

This time I’m sat in the executive lounge at Manchester Airport, free bar, free food watching the world go by.

Wouldn’t be too much of a hardship if the flight was delayed.